I Call Hax
by PostLifeSyndrome
Summary: Danzo finds a much better use for his freaky arm-eyes and proceeds to break the game. Crack with a dose of unexpected depth and meta-ness.


**I Call Hax**

Danzo was sitting in ROOT's secret treehouse (because having the base of a group called ROOT underground would be too stupidly obvious. Also, Danzo thought treehouses were the shit and none of his operatives had enough emotion to argue with him on the matter) when he had a sudden realization. There was no discernible cause for this. The shit came straight out of the blue, almost like the author stopped giving a fuck and just wanted to move on to his idea.

Anyway, Danzo came to the realization that he really didn't need a secret organization. Why? Because he had eleven Sharingan eyes on his body! If used correctly, he was literally the most OP person alive. Assuming that the eyes didn't suddenly sprout some other much more viable alternative, Danzo could use them to manipulate reality into whatever shape he wanted eleven times over! Though Izanagi-ing himself not dead wasn't bad as far as cool tricks went, why would he waste his rape-the-system-for-free tokens on something so impermanent? In fact, why would he even let that power be a one use thing? Fuck that noise!

"Izanagi."

Once Danzo felt one of the various gross eyes on his arm start to close, he cast his first game breaking genjutsu.

"Izanagi now no longer makes my Sharingan go blind. This is because I...I dunno, I fucking planned this shit? Yeah, sure. I somehow figured out which Uchihas had this trait, and stole their eyes and shit. Let it be So!"

And it was so. Danzo grinned as the closing eye opened back up. Fuck finite, he could now hack the universe ad infinitum! Now that he could do that, there really was no point to having his arm look gross as fuck, right? He could just take those extra eyes out and keep them in jars in case the one in his head got destroyed. Backups were good, but it was better if they didn't make him look like a fucked up mutant reject. Still, that was for later. Right now, Danzo had some rules to screw.

"Izanagi. I don't have to say Izanagi every time that I want to use this power. I just have to will it to activate and it does."

The author was pleased that he could now be even lazier while writing this.

"I am now back in peak physical condition."

Danzo threw away his cane and stood up straight.

"I'm young, handsome, and I have a big dick." Because no matter how comfortable a man is with his size, it is always nice to know that yes, your dick is big and no, I'm not just saying that because you told me to. Danzo shed a few decades and got handsomer without becoming a bishie.

"I have a hot female love interest." The ex-old man turned and stared expectantly at the space in front of him. A woman suddenly appeared there and introduced herself.

"Hi! I'm Mary Amethyst Star Enoby Aiko Archer Picard Janeway Sue! I'm your new super kawaii love interest desu!"

"FUCK NO!"

Danzo quickly used his hax eye powers to erase the abomination from existence. For good measure, he erased whatever mental defect her creator had which made them think that character should be a thing. Gathering his nerves after that brush with abysmality, Danzo amended his previous statement.

"I have a hot female love interest who _isn't_ a blight upon the universe."

A pretty girl with realistic proportions and depth of character appeared in the place which had previously been occupied by the travesty.

"Hi. I'm a well-written female. I have to tell you this because this is a crack fic, and the author doesn't feel like devoting time to explaining why I'm a good character and not an intelligent SI. Since I do not have the time required to make you like me, I will instead explain that I am not a token female, and I do not do "damsel." Fuck that noise. I will also establish myself as an intelligent woman by stating that inclusivity is awesome and should be strived for, but I will also add that this should not be done without sacrificing the story or the humor. It's nice to have a message of acceptance, but if the minority or LGBT characters are obviously just token characters existing solely to give yourself a better image, then the gesture loses meaning and is seen as annoying and self-serving."

Danzo stared at her until she stopped talking. When she was done, she noticed his eyes upon her. A small blush dusted her cheeks as she waved at him shyly.

"Sorry for taking so much time to introduce myself. You go back to bending the universe over and fucking its ass. I'm gonna go beat the shit out of people who deserve it."

She started to walk away, but Danzo stopped her.

"Hold on. What was all that stuff you just said? Some of it didn't sound like it matched this setting."

"Oh, that was me breaking the fourth wall. As an OC, I have a natural inclination to do so as my writer has trouble keeping his knowledge out of my head."

She then walked off to kick the living shit out of Kabuto, because fuck that guy. Danzo was contemplative. The Fourth Wall? Was there knowledge being obscured from his sight? What secrets lay behind it?

"I can now see beyond the Fourth Wall!"

So much knowledge. It was a bit of a struggle to keep his worldview in place, but it was mostly futile. With the veil torn asunder, it was difficult to keep his consciousness separate from that of his writer. In the end, though he retained his identity, some of the author's personality bled into his own.

He had kept his eyes squeezed shut for a good portion of the process due to reflex. He opened them now, his head full of pop culture references and outsider insight to his universe. He briefly considered restoring himself to his previous state, but the new knowledge was simply too valuable to relinquish. Instead, he returned to wildly abusing his own OP-ness with some suggestions from his author.

"Sakura is no longer a poorly-written tsundere. She's still tsundere, but with redeeming qualities. Her earlier incarnation is now much more likable and has more uses than explaining shit."

He felt reality ripple like thin silk in a gentle breeze. Something had changed, but he didn't know what. Regardless, he had stuff to do.

"Aside from my own, the Sharingan is no longer a massive Deus Ex Machina. It retains its original powers, but the Uchiha now have to get by using creativity and cunning like an actual fucking ninja."

Once again a ripple passed; this one larger and slightly disorienting. Onward.

"Combatants no longer shout each other's names like it's the climax of a very intimate gay porno."

"Backstory is not the single greatest focus anymore. If it's important, it shows up. If it isn't, it doesn't. If you need a frame of reference, watch Cowboy Bebop. Same goes for Sasuke. If he needs to show up, he does. Other than that, the focus stays on the title character like it should."

"Speaking of Sasuke, he is now no longer a vengeance-obsessed dick bandit. Earlier Sasuke is also much less of a douchenozzle."

A series of rather large ripples shook reality. Danzo kept his footing and soldiered on. He had a few more changes to make.

"Naruto is a bit less of a fuck-up. He's still the underdog, but not to the degree that he's a retarded puppy facing down an eighteen-wheeler. Give him a bit more of a fighting chance so that it isn't quite as insulting to the villains when he kicks their asses."

The ripple this time was akin to a heavy wave. Danzo stumbled and fell, landing hard on his back. It was lucky he had made himself younger, as he quickly bounced back up to his feet. Now that he was done with his immediate universe, it was time to fulfill a few of the writer's requests.

"All fanfiction authors gain a boost to their writing, spelling, and grammar skills. Searching for a good story is no longer a long slog through pages and pages of dross."

"Less bashing occurs in stories that aren't written for that purpose alone, and the inhabitants of Konoha are no longer portrayed as drunken retards who can't seem to remember that their target is under the protection of one of the baddest motherfuckers in the world. He was ostracized, not mutilated."

"There is a separate section for Yaoi, and a upvote/downvote system so that it's easier to tell what is and is not shit. People also reliably and honestly use the voting system so that it works as something other than an idea."

Danzo felt no ripples in the fabric of reality this time, because the changes were taking place in a different universe. His author's requests fulfilled, it was time to get back on track.

"I can talk to the author."

Once again, reality was shaken, as its nature was changed. A hole was opened so that...wait, what?

"You owe me, you know. I'm not even going to read those fanfics because my reality can't access them. That was entirely for you."

I already paid my debt to you though, by giving you the idea to use your Sharingans for more than just an instant revive. If it weren't for that little service, Sasuke would have killed you. In fact, _you _still owe _me_.

"How do you figure? I just improved your abilities as a writer, and my actions took far more effort on my part than it did for you to simply type words into a processor."

The difference in effort comes from a difference in power. Due to my abilities as the writer, small action from me has massive results and consequences for those within the world of my creation. Aside from that, you didn't really change anything on my end as you lack the power to influence that which is outside of the realm of my imagining. While I could write a fanfic where your changes are made reality, validating your actions, I cannot rewrite _my_ world to bring about your changes here. And if I could, don't you think I would have used that power on more than just FanFiction? No, you owe me, little man. You gave me a place to vent, but I gave you the world.

"I reject your reality, and substitute my own!"

Though the reference is appreciated, you are not Adam Savage, and therefore cannot do that. I would also like to thank you for lightening this up a bit, as this shit was getting far too heavy for a crack fic. Still, such a small action does not go so far as to repay that which is owed.

"If my debt is so large, then what would you have me do?"

I am unsure. Perhaps I will leave this unfinished so that I can revisit you if I ever have need of your services. Or, maybe I can whore you out by taking the suggestions of others. Of course, that is assuming that this fic didn't lose most of its audience by getting far too complex and existential for them to follow. Perhaps-OH WAIT! I just thought of something! It won't repay your debt, but I will enjoy it!

"Why would I care?"

Because I've been writing you long enough for some of my own personality has begun to seep in. It's either this, or make my pairing happen.

"But you just said yourself that I can't affect anything outside of your head!"

Yeah, so the effort value is essentially the same. If I wrote a fic, I could make the pairing NaruSaku. I could also say what I want you to say on any forum and get the same feeling of catharsis as I would here.

"Fine."

Thanks. You know what to say, since I want to keep the hypothetical "audience" in suspense for just a bit longer.

"Yeah, I know."

Danzo sighed heavily, his shoulders slumped in defeat.

"You don't have to keep doing that you know. Nobody is reading this, so it's not like you have to clarify what's going on in your head."

Shut the fuck up and say it.

"Fine."

Danzo cleared his throat, getting ready to-

"STOP DOING THAT!"

Sorry, sorry. Practicing my writing skills. Go ahead.

"Thank you."

*ahem*

"Creationists lose the ability to ignore logic and scientific evidence, and therefore cease to be a thing."

Nice. I may or may not see you later.

"Just go. I'm gonna go find and name that strong female character. You go do whatever."

Ok. Bye.

...

Danzo walked off-

"NO!"

Sorry.


End file.
